The Phone Lines Are Open

Late last week, there was a story out there about a radio station, a new host, and a lack of phone callers. The shorthand version is this: The new host, freshly arrived from a long and successful stint in another city, was having a hard time getting phone calls, perhaps because the station's existing audience wasn't ready to embrace the newcomer from out of town. In any event, staffers in the building were allegedly asked to call in, posing as "real" listeners, and engage the host in conversation. (You can read the whole story here)

Ah, yes, the old staged-caller issue's back. Back when I was young and innocent (well, young, anyway) and idealistic, I was appalled by the very idea of having staff members bail out a host with staged calls. No way would I let that happen. But I've heard people I respect in the business react to the current controversy by saying it's no big deal, that talk radio is, after all, entertainment, so why not? And, indeed, it's conceivable that someone in the office listening to the show DOES have an opinion and might be as legitimate a caller as anyone outside the building. Sure, I can see that. It's perfectly reasonable.

And I still wouldn't put staged calls on the air.

It's brutal to do a show that's dependent on calls when the calls don't come in. You're doing everything you're supposed to do -- concise setup, giving out the number, repeating the setup, repeating the number -- and the lines stay dead. The phones, they mock you. And, soon enough, listeners can hear the flop sweat on the air.

And I still wouldn't put staged calls on the air.

You can't count on calls. You can do everything perfectly and still not get calls, in which case, if you need the calls to fill the time, and the lines remain silent, you're going to flounder and repeat yourself and talk in circles. That's never a recipe for big ratings.

And I still wouldn't put staged calls on the air.

If you do a caller-driven show, you still need to prepare enough material to go without calls. You should have enough to say on a topic to fill however long you have, whether a segment or an hour. If you don't... why are you doing that topic? If YOU can't fill a segment or two on that topic, what makes you think the listeners have anything more to say about it?

I've been PD of stations that were focused on calls. That was the format: Set up the topic, give the number, and watch the calls roll in. When it worked, which was pretty often, it was very good. When it didn't work, the hosts needed to have enough material to not just fill the time but make it entertaining. All it took to drive that point home was one underprepared show when the calls, for whatever reason, didn't come in. No matter how much material the host prepared for that first call-free hour, he or she would burn through it in record time, and the resultant panic (what I'd call the "Topic and Phone Number Show") would ensure better show prep every day after that.

Staging callers is a crutch. If the calls aren't coming in because the topic's wrong or the setup's wrong or there's some other reason the host just isn't connecting with the audience, staging calls doesn't address the underlying problem. If the setup was fine and the topic's valid, staging calls gets the host off the hook for doing his or her job; no need to prepare all that material if we can fill time with staffers calling in. It's an easy way out, but it does the host and the station a long-term disservice. Sometimes, a little pain is better than a temporary cure. Credibility is also one of your most valuable assets; get caught and you blow that. And, besides, give the listeners at least a little credit: They can probably tell when a call's staged. (Rule of Thumb: when a brand-new host fields a series of "love your show" calls, they're likely staged. Real callers take a little time to warm up to the new host, and that's okay. Patience will be rewarded)

So I wouldn't put staged calls on the air. I understand the motivation. I can appreciate why you would do it. I still think you're better off without ANY calls if you're not getting real listener calls. Just talk. That's why you do this for a living.

(None of this applies, of course, if you're Phil Hendrie and you can be your own guest caller, in which case, please, by all means, carry on)

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Even though this was a short week, radio personalities everywhere could still find a big old stockpile of current material at All Access News-Talk-Sports' Talk Topics column. Examples? Tattoos as free speech, why your clothes will cost more next year, the heartbreak of a canceled Jonas Bros. concert, what kind of dancing attracts women, the Tasering of a guy without pants, the faded notoriety of Colonel Sanders, a marriage proposal enabled by fertilizer, why the menu at the Starbucks drive-thru no longer offers "Tall," why the reduction in consumer borrowing is both good and very bad for the economy, a tarantula in the newsroom, a woman who crash-dieted to fit into her new car, a doctor with an unusual method of diagnosing an illness, the restaurant that banned screaming kids, a school system that banned corn dogs and chocolate milk, Fried Frito Pie, why your local NFL team's game might not be on TV every week, and Lady Gaga covered in meat. Those topics and much, much more are waiting for you at Talk Topics right this very minute, so go there, and, while you're at it, follow the Talk Topics Twitter feed (twitter.com/talktopics) for all the headlines and links in convenient tweet form.

This week's "10 Questions With..." interview is with Matt Patrick, who made the move from being the longtime Top 40 morning mainstay at WKDD in Akron to doing talk radio; besides weekends at WTAM/Cleveland and fill-ins at WLW/Cincinnati, he's starting as morning man at WTRC (News Talk 95.3 MNC) in South Bend on Monday. After that, check out the rest of All Access for radio and music industry news first, fastest, and best, plus columns, ratings, job listings, and all the resources you need, all free.

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I like to end these columns on a positive note. Here are two: Football's back, and the Phillies are, as I write this, in first place. Those will do.

Perry Michael Simon
Editor
All Access News-Talk-Sports
psimon@allaccess.com
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