None Of The Above

I was halfway through this week's column when I stopped writing it and walked away from the computer for a few minutes. The column just wasn't coming out the way I had in mind when I started it, and I tried to figure out why. After thinking about it for a while, the reason it wasn't working became clear, and it turned out to be the same problem I've heard in countless radio shows over the years: I hadn't committed to one opinion and stuck to it.

It's a common hazard of making a living by having an opinion: Most topics have gray areas, and gray areas don't work well when you're trying to communicate AND entertain at the same time. You do your research, you do your homework, and you find that you can see valid opinions on both sides of an issue. That's admirable if you're a professor, important if you're a journalist, and trouble if you do talk radio, because it always comes down to the dreaded phrase, "What do YOU think?"

That's a problem. People are coming to your show to hear what YOU think. They'll react to your opinion far more vigorously than if you waffle and then ask what their opinion is. Think of it in bar room argument form: If I say "Aah, the Yankees suck and they'll be lucky to beat out Tampa Bay for the division," you'll react by telling me loudly and in no uncertain terms whether you think that's idiotic or on the money. If I say, "Some people think the Yankees are the team to beat, but others think the Red Sox and Rays will give them a run for the AL pennant -- what do YOU think?," you'll give a calm, rational analysis of the relative merits of A-Rod and Evan Longoria, and it'll be way more polite and way less entertaining for others to eavesdrop on.

Your job, if you're a talk show host, is to have an opinion. People are tuning in to hear your take on the news. That means you need to HAVE a take (yes, Jim Rome fans, I know the rest: "don't suck"). This may be horrifying to some folks who consider talk radio unnecessarily incendiary, and it doesn't mean I'm condoning spreading misinformation or gratuitously inflammatory or offensive comments just to stir the pot, but a passionate certainty on every topic is a necessity in this game.

So when I realized I was in "What do YOU think?" territory, there was only one thing I could do. I clicked and dragged and highlighted every word I'd written -- and there were a LOT of those -- and tapped the Delete key. Time to start over.

When you're preparing your show, you have to be ready to hit that Delete key whenever you realize that you don't have a solid, passionate position on a topic. If YOU don't feel fired up about it, how can you expect an audience to hang in there with you?

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Of course, doing that left me pushing a deadline with no topic on hand. I had to come up with something fast, with no help in sight. You won't have that problem if you take advantage of All Access News-Talk-Sports' Talk Topics column, where, every day, there are hundreds of topic ideas, and some are bound to get your blood pressure rising. You'll find kicker stories and "real news" headlines and stupid jokes, too; just add your own perspective and there's your show. For example, this week's items include a savage attack on the Easter Bunny, the real winners in the health care battle (lobbyists, of course), the dwindling market for Tiger Woods impersonators, why some people are demanding the immediate retirement of Ronald McDonald, a different way of paying for trash hauling, why business cards are still around, a deranged attack triggered by an Obama sticker, why you might want to keep a bunch of toads in your house, what your teens are doing with body spray and lighters, the end of the 5 mph "cushion" you used to get from traffic cops, the health benefits of cinnamon and chocolate, how to get people to be organ donors (hint: PAY THEM), why you might not to live on Washaway Beach (and why some people still do), and an in-depth investigation into whether Donovan McNabb really did puke or not in Super Bowl XXXIX. All that, plus "10 Questions With..." New Jersey 101.5 afternoon co-host and Yoo-Hoo enthusiast Casey Bartholomew and the rest of All Access, where you'll find the industry's most complete and fastest news coverage, plus ratings, job listings, columns, forums, and more, all free.

Don't forget, too, that you can keep abreast of Talk Topics on Twitter -- just follow @talktopics (twitter.com/talktopics) and you'll get a link to every item in convenient tweet form. Net News is on Twitter, too; twitter.com/allaccess is the one to follow for the big breaking news stories. Hey, you got an iPhone, iPod Touch, or even, if you're lucky this weekend, an iPad? You'll want the All Access iPhone app: click here for that (it's free, too). And while we're linking, you might as well see what I'm up to at twitter.com/pmsimon and at pmsimon.com, where you can read about obscure comic strips, weird Sammy Davis, Jr. singles, and what Ozzie and Harriet meant to me (not much, it turns out).

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Finally, if you're looking to do a good deed today, why not donate in support of my participation in the Revlon Run/Walk for Women 2010 on May 8th in Los Angeles? We (my wife Fran and I) are once again raising money for women's cancer research and treatment and celebrating another year of survival. Your help is greatly appreciated, especially in these tough times; just go to https://www.revlonrunwalk.com/la/secure/MyWebPage.cfm?pID=533458 and enter your donation. Thank you!

Perry Michael Simon
Editor
All Access News-Talk-Sports
psimon@allaccess.com
www.facebook.com/pmsimon
www.twitter.com/pmsimon