The Official Rules, Holiday Weekend Edition

The lesson talk radio can learn from the week's events is that the importance of... you're not paying attention, are you? No, you're not. It's the day before a long holiday weekend in North America and grand pronouncements about the radio industry will come off as clueless and out of place, even more so than usual.

So let's just talk about what IS on your mind when it isn't wrapping itself around the latest Trump Tweet Controversy: the long weekend. Here are some Official Rules and Indisputable Truths:

1. Radio is a great soundtrack for holidays like Independence Day and Canada Day. There's nothing like having the radio on and a ballgame going while you're overcooking the brats and having one too many Natty Lights. My memories of childhood July 4th celebrations always include the sound of Lindsey Nelson, Ralph Kiner and Bob Murphy or Harry Kalas, Whitey Ashburn, and Andy Musser crackling through the AM static (no, never the Yankees. Heaven forbid. My dad would have taken a sledgehammer to the radio).

2. Fireworks also go great with radio, if your local display has the explosions synced to a radio station's audio. That never works, by the way -- the sights are always way off sync from the sounds -- but the IDEA is good. You could stay home and watch fireworks on TV with the sound perfectly synced, but you should not, because fireworks are not meant to be televised. Find a local display. And whatever you do, don't fire them off yourself, a point driven home the one year I accidentally had a steak knife plunged through my palm and ended up in a hospital emergency room the day after July 4th, surrounded by people who'd blown their fingers off with M-80s. An ER is a terrible place to spend a holiday.

3. Hey, Mom and Dad! Taking a drive with the kids? Do NOT -- I repeat, do NOT, under any circumstances -- put talk radio on the car audio system. Your kids will whine about it, it's all infomercials on the weekend anyway, and... oh, wait, they won't even notice, because they'll be absorbed in the sights and sounds coming from their phones. Listen to whatever you want on the radio. I won't judge. (So, you're really into herbal male enhancement pills and gold hoarding, eh?)

4. Ketchup IS an acceptable condiment for hot dogs, but ketchup and mustard together is the one proper topping. Take that, Chicago.

5. If you have to host a talk show this weekend, don't complain that you have to work when everyone else is off and there's nothing to talk about. After all, you'll get paid for it, and it really doesn't matter WHAT you talk about. Nobody's paying much attention. You can get away with talking about anything. You can even fill time with a stupid list of random things styled as Official Rules and Indisputable Truths about the weekend, though who would try to get away with THAT?

6. This doesn't have anything to do with the weekend, but I was just listening to how Hot 97 in New York was airing Jay-Z's new album, and I get that they had to make sure the way they played it didn't run afoul of a lot of constraints, but I still found myself annoyed when the jocks would talk over the song, and the songs were mixed into older Jay-Z songs. They have to do it, I know, and radio stations have been doing that since new Beatles records were overlain with "A WXXX Exclusive!!!" so other stations wouldn't tape the song off the radio to play on their airwaves. But I still got annoyed when it interrupted the messages of unity and injustice and how two billionaires are, indeed, better than one. He's right, you know. Anyway, I wonder how the exclusive bit plays with audiences in 2017 who are accustomed to hearing uninterrupted (and unedited) songs on demand. Though if you don't want to pay for Tidal, I guess it's a small price.

7. If someone's birthday happens to fall on or around a long weekend, make sure you don't forget to celebrate it and send him presents and stuff. Like, say, if a guy you know, maybe a guy who writes about radio and provides you with content and occasional chuckles all year long, was born on July 5th. That's just a hypothetical, of course.

8. I could do a whole column on this, but for now, if you're at a family gathering and someone starts railing about "the media" and you're tempted to join in, remember: YOU'RE "the media." Talk radio people tend to forget that. Talk radio IS "mainstream media," just the opinion wing of it. You'll be better off if you just stay over by the chips and dip and stay out of it. Besides, arguing about politics is your job, and this is supposed to be your time off. In fact, maybe take a break from social media this weekend, too. The circus will still be in progress when you get back.

You are now armed with sufficient information to make this the best long holiday weekend yet. Go forth and enjoy it. Oh, and try to stick with only one hot dog -- you don't want too much of all those nitrates and nitrites and whatever else they put in those things. That stuff is death. Tasty, tasty death.

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If you're in North America, have a great long weekend. If you're elsewhere, have a great normal weekend. Sorry that you don't have a bank holiday or something so you could join us in our slacking off. Not that you necessarily need a holiday to do that.

Perry Michael Simon
Vice President/Editor, News-Talk-Sports and Podcast
AllAccess.com
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